….I filed for a divorce…..
Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.
But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.
I totally get it.
Children are being murdered.
Little boys and girls are being abused
People are starving.
Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.
There are people dying slowly with disease.
People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.
There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.
I totally get it.
But it still fucking hurts
How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?
Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.
Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.
Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.
But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t
I know I shouldn’t ….because whenever I do I always find something….but I did. I went through husbands iPad. He has recently downloaded an ebook called ‘Bang: The pick up bible’. This book is apparently the most infamous pick up book in the world.
What does one do when you have cheated on your wife and she wants to leave you and your actions is ripping your family apart? Work on your pick up game ofcourse!
I mean really…..what else is there to say about this man? Feel free to sound off in the comments!
Not why did my husband have an affair, but why isn’t he able and willing to fix it?
I’m leaving him, in my mind there is no going back. But I still can’t help but wonder this. I read blogs about couples in reconciliation and sometimes the spouse who cheated has been broken open, is sharing, is trying hard. I wonder how I managed to pick the guy who wants the easy road; who wants to get away with breaking my heart and keeping me around; who wants to continue to lie, hide, and deflect blame? Why isn’t my guy the one sobbing on his knees begging for a second chance.
I’ve read so much about narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people and I know these are traits that my husband has and it explains so much. And rationally I know it’s more about him than it is about me.
But sometimes on days like today I just wonder why? Maybe it’s that he isn’t able or maybe it’s that he doesn’t want to, but either way it still hurts, and it still makes me so sad.