This is the one question that has baffled me ever since I sensed something was wrong with husband and I and discovered he was having an affair. He just didn’t seem to be particularly moved by the pain that he was causing me. I found this so terribly confusing and hurtful.
You see when husband and I started dating he seemed so empathic. He talked about wanting to start a charity in his mums name, he was made a minister at the church we went to. He would give church members money whom he knew didn’t have very much. When our neighbour lost his dad, husband suggested we give them quite a large amount of money to help towards funeral costs. We also did some shopping for them as they had just had a baby.
But suddenly he changed, he seemed to become very cynical about life and people. He started saying ‘I just don’t give a damn.’ He sure stopped giving a damn about me.
When Dday happened I didn’t understand his behaviour, he seems almost cold. I was 6 months pregnant and devastated and he just went right ahead and carried on his affair. There wasn’t any ‘Uh uh my wife has found out.’ He and his girlfriend just simply carried on as if I didn’t exist.
Even till this day he doesn’t seem to fully grasp what he has done to me. There have been moments of realisation but I can’t help but think those were a bit fake, just words he had read somewhere that sound like the right thing to say. He never really seemed to have a desire to help me through this. I always felt that he believed that if he just gave me a bit of time that I would somehow get over it.
So I wonder if someone can have empathy and then lose it? Or maybe he never had it and it was all pretend?
To the betrayed spouses reading, did your partners ever seem to grasp the pain that they cause?
This question led me to google who led me to the term ‘narcissist’ and as I researched more ‘covert narcissism’.
Even after everything that has happened I still can’t get over the fact that the man I knew at the beginning who was so emphatic somehow lost it – or worse that he never had it and it was all pretend.