Songs that speak to me

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A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊

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I can’t believe he said that#3

So I had a whole different post planned for tonight but I will post that later. Tonight, husband is trying to be sweet to me because he’s hoping to get lucky. When I refuse he tells me that I’m withholding sex as a form of punishment??!! The same way we punish our children by taking things away when they misbehave. I told him that if that’s how he sees the situation then I know for sure he doesn’t get it – AT ALL. Doesn’t get the pain at all, not even a little bit.

Husband, I don’t want to have sex with you because you cheated and lied and are still seeing your girlfriend and are still lying to me. You broke my heart and my trust.  I can’t trust you AT ALL – never again.

Me taking the iPad away from a 5 year old for back talking is TOTALLY NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex because my husband cheated. Not even close.

And when I post an update on the last couple of days, you will see why this comment is even more ridiculous.

Happy Anniversary to me

Its my 7th wedding anniversary today and as expected it’s been rough. I have cycled through anger, sadness, distress, regret, irritability all before 9am. Husband has made himself scarce, keeping to different parts of the house, but even that has annoyed me, he would rather run and hide and sheild himself from any negativity even though he is the cause of my pain. Then again if he hung around and tried to talk to me would that make me feel any better? Probably not. Who knows. But he is walking around looking like a wounded animal – because he is always the victim.

So as usually I deal with my pain, alone.

Last year, we were seperated, and he was seeing his girlfriend.

The year before that I was pregnant – Dday had been just two weeks before. He made a speech about us fighting for our marriage, but he was still having an affair.

I’m so tired.

My Husband is a Stupid Jerk – the morning after

He was ill people. Yes. Apparently his body felt like he had been hit by a truck, his sinuses were playing up. He couldn’t drive home, all he wanted to do was go home to his mums house where there was a comfortable bed because he doesn’t sleep well (at home he sleeps in either our living room or the home office).

How can I be upset when we he was ill?

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Could his story be true? Ofcourse his stories ‘could’ always be true, except ….well….they usually aren’t. So I wasn’t really I buying it – his mum wasn’t even at home, she was visiting his brother so no verification possible. And quite frankly I’m tired of having to verify.

Anyway, he doesn’t know why this bugs me because I’m leaving and obviously don’t care. ‘No‘ I told him ‘you don’t care, because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you do.’