A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊

image

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “A very overdue update!”

  1. Glad you are enjoying the new work. I hope you can remedy the living situation soon. I can relate to how hard it is. My husband also lies about the girlfriend, even though he knows I know. It’s so aggravating! He is buying her a bunch of stuff and paying for dates and trying to get the court to order me to pay maintenance!

    Hope you are able to get out of the marriage soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sooooo happy for you!! This job is the first step towards independence! This will help your self esteem in so many ways. I’m glad to hear you are finding yourself again with this new position.❤️

    Your husband is certifiably crazy. A pathological liar, yes. But to actually expect you to believe these crazy lies??? Cmon, dude! What kept us believing these lies in the past was faith and hope. Your faith in him is gone. I’m sure there’s small hope left in you but he’s almost all but extinguished it.

    I know the decision to move is tough but I bet as you continue working, it’ll come to you.

    Btw, this woman – the OW, what is her deal? Is she married? Why does she stick around? Just seems so pointless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right? His favourite line to me is ‘what proof do you have ?’ When I give him proof he then concotes a story around the proof I’ve given him and is therefore more careful next time. Telling the truth is never an option!
      The OW has know him since they were about 18 – he liked her but I think she wasn’t interested in him when they were younger but now he’s able to impress her with a bit of cash and a fancy car – and play on the fact that she is a single mum. She seems quite impressed by him and he likes being adored. She thinks he’s the one to save her and her two kids from a life of struggle! Little does she know what she’s really getting. I think they think it’s one of those’ expectations that got away’ situations – This is just my speculation so I could be wrong – maybe it’s really true love. I doubt it lol. The first thing is that husband is really not that into kids – yes he loves our kids but even thinks ours are hard work let alone taking on another 2 kids from someone else – he’s probably pretending to be surrogate daddy of the year to her kids but it won’t last. I know him.

      Like

  3. Good for you! I’m happy you like your new job. Sorry your husband is being such a whiner about having to watch his own kids. I can totally sympathize with that! And I’m sorry he keeps lying about the OW. Lying and gas lighting suck! You just keep lining up those ducks.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s