Why?

Not why did my husband have an affair, but why isn’t he able and willing to fix it?

I’m leaving him, in my mind there is no going back. But I still can’t help but wonder this. I read blogs about couples in reconciliation and sometimes the spouse who cheated has been broken open, is sharing, is trying hard. I wonder how I managed to pick the guy who wants the easy road; who wants to get away with breaking my heart and keeping me around; who wants to continue to lie, hide, and deflect blame? Why isn’t my guy the one sobbing on his knees begging for a second chance.

I’ve read so much about narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people and I know these are traits that my husband has and it explains so much. And rationally I know it’s more about him than it is about me.

But sometimes on days like today I just wonder why? Maybe it’s that he isn’t able or maybe it’s that he doesn’t want to, but either way it still hurts, and it still makes me so sad.

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13 thoughts on “Why?”

  1. I feel you girl. I was asking myself the same question, and honestly basing some of my own self worth and value around his lack of empathy. Throughout the entire 6 month demise of our marriage, my Narcissist never offered to change, never offered to “do anything to save our marriage” never told me that he “couldn’t live without me” never expressed any of the same feelings that I was feeling. What I have come to realize, as painful as is it – is that with a narcissist it was never about you… it was only about what you gave to them. If they can fulfill that in some other way shape or form they feel good, and they no longer need you. You are important and you deserve someone who recognizes that… you deserve someone who would never put you in this situation to begin with – not just beg for your forgiveness after the fact. Stay strong because you are amazing all on your own!!

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    1. Thank you! It really is a deep dark hole to get yourself into if you base your self worth on their lack of empathy! I did it for a whole year and almost didn’t make it out alive! Stay strong – I’m trying – everyday I’m trying!

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  2. I know it hurts 😦 But years down the road, when all is said and done and you’ve had time to heal, you will begin to understand why he didn’t break down into sobs and beg to save your marriage.

    Because he doesn’t deserve you, and whatever force is at work here in this relationship is trying to make sure you understand and believe that you will be better off without him. Its trying to save your life. Because if I know one thing, I know a narcissist – and they will literally suck the life out of you until you’re a shell of a person.

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    1. Thanks for writing this – it’s funny when I started to realise in 2013 that he might be having an affair – all the evidence suddenly began to manifest and his true colours began to show – then I somehow came across information about NPD – it really did seem like God and the universe was saying ‘run for your life!’ I literally think I came to my senses just in time

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  3. I think the hardest part of dealing with a narcissist is realizing that it is never about you, it is ALWAYS about them. If you can remember that, it becomes easier. After 5+ years of freedom, I am a whole person again. Hang in there!!

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  4. I feel your pain in this blog, and I struggled so many times with that question after the narcissistic relationship; Why? Why did he have to do all those things, why didn’t he care enough to repair the damages, why was he so cold. Etc etc. Now in retrospect I know that the very simple (and at the same time very hard) truth, is that “Just because he is a narcissist. He just can not feel feelings, the way I do. Everything is always done in his self-interest. He does these things ‘just because he can'”… it still hurts but I am glad to be away from all the bullshit and lies anyway.

    Take care and stay strong. Hugs!! 💜

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  5. 😦 I’m sorry BL. It is super painful. There is no answer to the question, obviously, sadly, devastatingly, which makes it incredibly difficult for us to process it in our own healing. From what I gather, the ‘breaking open’ happens (if it happens at all) when they hit rock-bottom, when they realise, truly, what they are losing due to their hurtful actions. Your husband may not be a narcissist, he may just still be in denial – although it’s really hard if not impossible to draw the line between those. This is just my thinking process, or in other words this is what I am hoping for. My husband has very clear narcissist traits (covert form of that – I never had an inkling about it until d-day and am still learning about it) but he is at least not in denial, he is working on his own recovery,. YET: he never, ever was willing to fight for me, for our daughter, for our family. They are just weak, sick creatures, sadly. Can they change? That’s a whole different question. I say, good for you chewing on this question, because it is part of the mourning process, and as such, necessary for your own healing. Hugs to you, dear BL

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  6. I totally agree that it is all about him and not you…as someone who is the betrayal and was very narcissist, I had to immediately come to grips that I was the one who needed to change; not my wife. Until I was the guy who was sobbing on my knees and desperately wanting to change myself as well as my marriage, things would never get better. Fortunately, I made that decision with plenty of consequences to show for it. However, I am happy to say that my wife was willing to forgive and we have been married for over 24 years later. We have worked with other couples who did not get it, were in denial, and not willing to change and had to divorce and go their separate ways. At some point, you may have to let go of the “why” and realize that you may never know! Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment, you hit the nail on the head that I have let go of the ‘why’ as I may never know. Which is so difficult for me as I like to be able to make sense of things in order to move on, but I can’t do that here, I’ll have to try and move on without getting any true closure.

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  7. I don’t believe an affair can be fixed. What will he do, go back in time and not have sex? you deserve so much better than this betrayal and absolute lack of respect!

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  8. Yup, felt that way too. I wondered so long about what was “wrong” with me that my guy didnt want to profess his sorrow and do everything to want to make things right again. But now that I am a couple of years removed from it, I have to admit… I’m glad he didnt.

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