A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊

image

Advertisements

Good news!

I got offered a job! Woohoooo!!!!

Very pleased as I hadn’t done an interview in over 10 years and I knocked it out of the park!

Now I’ve got to figure out childcare and find something that won’t take all of my pay check!

will feel a bit strange leaving my youngest in childcare but she’s nearly two so I think she’ll be fine!

Happy days!

Anxiety my good ‘ol trusty friend

So, I’ve managed to line up two job interviews this week for some part time work which is great!

Then…..the anxiety sets in and the worry begins. How will I do in the interviews? What hours shall I accept, how much will I have to pay for childcare? Etc etc… It’s never ending. Sigh.

I met up with my friend last week and she thinks I shouldn’t leave the house as she’s worried it will be very difficult for me, renting with 3 kids will be very expensive. I know all this and it would be much much easier if husband leaves – especially for the kids, but I can’t help but dream about starting afresh without husband having such easy access to me. Beside he will help towards the rent as he would like his kids to be comfortable. But maybe I’m being too optimistic, my friend reminded me that people tend to be less cooperative when they’re not getting their way. This is why I need a job so I’m not too reliant on him. I also have a small business I’ve started but need to invest a little bit more money into it before I can start making money! Everything seems like such a catch 22 at the moment.

Making moves but what’s with this guilt?

I have been moving forward with plans to make some money in order to move my kids and I out. I have applied for a few jobs and one seems hopeful so fingers crossed. It will be difficult as only one of my children is in school full time, my second is only in pre school and my youngest at home with me. I will have to pay for extra childcare so need to really work out the numbers to make sure I’m making sufficient money.

But for some reason I’m feeling really guilty for making plans behind husbands back. He knows I went to an employment agency so he knows I’m looking for a job and I can tell he feels some type of way about it. Why do I feel guilty, after everything that’s happened?

Its moments like this I consult my bag of evidence. I look through the call logs, restaurant and hotel receipts. I remember the gaslighting, blame shifting denials and outright lies. I remember the pushing, shoving and grabbing. I remember it all and the guilt begins to dissipate. Because I remember that I deserve better.