A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊



I can’t believe he said that#3

So I had a whole different post planned for tonight but I will post that later. Tonight, husband is trying to be sweet to me because he’s hoping to get lucky. When I refuse he tells me that I’m withholding sex as a form of punishment??!! The same way we punish our children by taking things away when they misbehave. I told him that if that’s how he sees the situation then I know for sure he doesn’t get it – AT ALL. Doesn’t get the pain at all, not even a little bit.

Husband, I don’t want to have sex with you because you cheated and lied and are still seeing your girlfriend and are still lying to me. You broke my heart and my trust.  I can’t trust you AT ALL – never again.

Me taking the iPad away from a 5 year old for back talking is TOTALLY NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex because my husband cheated. Not even close.

And when I post an update on the last couple of days, you will see why this comment is even more ridiculous.

Happy Anniversary to me

Its my 7th wedding anniversary today and as expected it’s been rough. I have cycled through anger, sadness, distress, regret, irritability all before 9am. Husband has made himself scarce, keeping to different parts of the house, but even that has annoyed me, he would rather run and hide and sheild himself from any negativity even though he is the cause of my pain. Then again if he hung around and tried to talk to me would that make me feel any better? Probably not. Who knows. But he is walking around looking like a wounded animal – because he is always the victim.

So as usually I deal with my pain, alone.

Last year, we were seperated, and he was seeing his girlfriend.

The year before that I was pregnant – Dday had been just two weeks before. He made a speech about us fighting for our marriage, but he was still having an affair.

I’m so tired.

My Husband is a Stupid Jerk – the morning after

He was ill people. Yes. Apparently his body felt like he had been hit by a truck, his sinuses were playing up. He couldn’t drive home, all he wanted to do was go home to his mums house where there was a comfortable bed because he doesn’t sleep well (at home he sleeps in either our living room or the home office).

How can I be upset when we he was ill?



Could his story be true? Ofcourse his stories ‘could’ always be true, except ….well….they usually aren’t. So I wasn’t really I buying it – his mum wasn’t even at home, she was visiting his brother so no verification possible. And quite frankly I’m tired of having to verify.

Anyway, he doesn’t know why this bugs me because I’m leaving and obviously don’t care. ‘No‘ I told him ‘you don’t care, because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you do.’

My husband is a stupid jerk!

Well we all know this already but there is this one thing he does bugs the hell out of me.

He will sometimes go to a fight gym about 1 hour away from where we live. He will leave home Saturday morning and normally does one or two of their classes, then Lord knows what he does the rest of the day. He says he and friends go out, he get a bite to eat, then he pops in to see his mum. He will then usually text me in the evening and say that he is pretty tired or had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive home so he’ll be back in the morning.

So he calls me around 3pm saying he’s done with classes but just waiting for his friends to finish. He then says they’ll probably go out and it’ll be a late night so he asks me do I prefer he comes home really late or the next day? He does this crap all the time, especially during the height of his affair. He has already decided he’s not coming home, but he’s putting the ball in my court acting like he’s giving me a choice. But they are really none choices because if I say come home tomorrow, he feels better because I’ve given him permission not to come home, and if I say come home, that it doesn’t matter how late, he will text me really late that night and tell me he’s too tired or whatever to drive and seeing as it’s really late he might as well wait until tomorrow to come home. He has already decided he’s not coming home.

So I told him it didn’t matter. He got all defensive and said ‘what do you mean it doesn’t matter? Because you want to leave me anyway?’ I simply say ‘Yes.’

Yes I’m leaving because he continues to pull antics like this! He will mope and pout and tell me how he has done everything in his power to save our marriage and that he doesn’t know what else to do; that he’s tried his best but his best isn’t good enough.

You’re damn skippy his best isn’t good enough! If a man was spending lots of time away from home for no good reason while cheating on his wife, but now really wanted to save his marriage – he better start coming home at night! Don’t ask your wife whether it’s ok that you don’t come home, don’t make her sit at home wondering what you’re really getting up to by being sketchy with information. Don’t get mad and defensive when she’s not ok that you don’t want to come home. But if you insist on doing all these things anyway, don’t get mad that she wants to leave your lying cheating ass and don’t pretend that you tried really really hard ( sob sob) when the only thing you tried really hard at doing was covering your tracks and keeping your stories straight!

Quite frankly he’s lucky I don’t do a Beyonce and take a baseball bat to his Mercedes Benz!


image Three days until my 7th wedding anniversary ….and I feel a weird foreboding. Maybe just anxiety, anticipating sadness? I dunno. I was hoping to try and forget about it, hoping the day would somehow go unnoticed, hoping husband doesn’t remember but he does. ‘Want to do something to celebrate?’ He asked me. No. What would we be celebrating exactly?


Apologies for the weird, short, rambly post. Sometimes you just have to get it out ya know?