Cycle of Abuse

Since the beginning of the year, husband could feel I was slipping away. He was having trouble controlling me and my thoughts, and he didn’t like that at all.

Since I agreed to let him move back in last November then discovering he was still in contact with his girlfriend I was done. I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m leaving, but he knows I have no means to do it right now. So when he discovered my previous blog and read the entries, he knew that he had ‘lost’ me; that I was serious; that I was really done.

This began a cycle of him either raging at me, trying to charm, flatter or seduce me or make me feel sorry for him. I discovered this cycle while reading about narcissists but I’m not saying he is one, I just have noticed he uses this pattern.

I  also came across something called ‘cycles of abuse’. It’s strange to consider husband abusive and even stranger to write it but the cycle is definitely toxic.

At the beginning of March, husband as usual wanted to act like everything was ok with us and I was getting fed up with the pretence. He wasn’t getting his way with me and didn’t like that (tension building).

He would then want to talk to me but really he was picking a fight. So even if I remained calm he would continue saying things to push my buttons until I would snap. (Explosion) This particular incident in March he wanted my phone because he thought I was talking to someone who he felt was ‘influencing’ me. I refused, but said I would show him my phone after I had put the kids to bed. Not good enough for him, he wanted it right then. A struggle ensued where he begins pushing me around and pins me to wall by my neck. The kids witness this and are very upset. I tell him to stop and leave. He takes my phone and I take the kids into our bedroom, as I’m walking by he hits me on the side of my head, but it was a very light slap, sort of like a warning shot.

I contact my sister in law via Facebook asking her to get my mother in law to call hoping she can diffuse the situation. She calls me but he answers as he has my phone and plays it all cool as if nothing is happening.

The next day he is apologetic and remorseful and wants to buy the kids some toys to make up for things. I simply nod. (Reconciliation)

I call his mother later that day and tell her that I’m leaving her son that I’ve had enough. She gets on the next train to stay with us for a couple of days. She tries to get us to talk about what is happening, husband doesn’t say very much but I know when she talked to him alone he would have done a lot of blame shifting. I said a little bit but didn’t want to go into too much detail as I knew he would get angry and I would pay for it later when she left. I told her that I knew his girlfriend was still in the picture. He denies this and she says that I should take his word for it. (*eyeroll* yeah take the word of a pathological liar). She asked me if he had apologised to me for the affair I said he had but so what? She seemed satisfied that he had apologised and that was that and then gives us a lecture about marriage being for life no matter what. I’m not sure what I wanted his mum to do but all I know was I felt very disheartened and very hopeless with her visit.

Nevertheless,we entered the final phase of the cycle which is calm. Husband being on his best (fake) behaviour because he wants to show mummy that he is not the bad guy. But the only reason there is calm is because I am co operating. I have realised how much I have to stuff my feelings down, not speak up. Whenever I stand my ground, there is a blowup. I have to compromise, because the atmosphere is nicer for all, especially the kids. But it makes me so angry that he doesn’t have to….unless he wants something from me, then he launches his charm offensive. He tries to act like everything is normal with us, that he is fighting for our marriage. But he isn’t. He is still in contact with his girlfriend!

He was out last night with friends and said he would stay over there as too late to drive back home. He was probably with his girlfriend. I know I shouldn’t care as I’m done anyway, but I do. I care because he lies and he cries and plays like I’m the one giving up on our marriage. He wants to hold me and kiss me and tells me he loves me but it’s all lies. So today I’m mad and I can’t even be around him and don’t even want to talk to him. He has noticed and wants to know what’s wrong. I can feel the tension building…. And the cycle starts all over again.

 

 

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Operation fundraising off to a rocky start

What does one need to leave her husband? Money.

In order to raise funds I decide to start selling things on eBay. I listed one of those baby activity centres things that my youngest no longer uses and cue excitement when someone wants to buy it. This would be a great Kickstarter to my fund pot.

The sale is agreed and I go into the garage to retrieve the item to prepare it…. And it’s not there.

Hmmm….I ask husand where it is and he’s sure he put it in the garage. I had kept it in our home office but when husband moved back in he moved it into the garage. But it isn’t there. We both search the garage and it’s not there, it’s a pretty sizeable box so would be hard to miss.

I ask husband if maybe he’s thrown it away? He says no. We had a massive clear out when he moved back in with lots of things taken away to the rubbish tip – we had someone come and take things away but I was there to oversee everything. However husband made a few trips to the tip himself to throw bits away. So it’s possible he could have thought it was rubbish?

The thing is, husband lies, so if he did accidentally throw it away he won’t tell me. So I’m left  confused and frustrated because apparently this bulky baby toy has vanished into thin air or developed legs and walked away on its own! Now I don’t want to accuse husband falsely but the fact is this item was in the house and now it’s not! I checked the house knowing it couldn’t be anywhere because it’s such a bulky box that we wouldn’t have been able to keep it anywhere else. Could one of the kids have moved it? Well the oldest is 5 and wouldn’t even be able to lift it. Maybe someone got into the garage and stole it? We have a computer in the garage, why would a thief leave the computer and take a bulky baby toy?

This reminds me of an incident a couple of years ago – I bought a lovely picture but the frame was too heavy for the wall. I thought I would buy a new frame for it so put it in storage under the stairs safely. I then forgot about it but few months later I see the picture in the back of the garage, the frame is chipped and glass broken. Husband must have broken it by accident and hid it in the garage. Why not just say it broke accidently? Why hide it away when I would find it eventually? When I asked him about it he ‘doesn’t know, can’t remember.’

I’m just a bit frustrated because I lost out on money I would have made from the sale but also the confusion of where the heck could this thing be??

What’s worse than D-day?

Dday was pretty bad, I have no suitable adjective to describe it. It was as if the air was sucked out of my lungs; my heart stopped beating; my world shattered. The shock and confusion giving way to searing pain and sobbing.

What was worse than that day was that after I confronted my husband and he denied but eventually admitted, was that he didn’t seem to care enough. I look back on it now at it all seemed so … shallow… As if it was a game to him. He was so reluctant about everything. Reluctant to give me any info, reluctant to give me any promises and any ….well comfort. He simply carried on the affair. As if I didnt matter at all.

Then, when we seperated after I had asked him to out, he would come over to the house and sit on the couch looking lost and miserable. He missed the kids and I apparently. However he would leave and go right back to his girlfriend.

After a year, he begged and pleaded and swore he had changed. He seemed broken. I agreed to a second chance. After I insisted over and over again, he finally wrote an email to his girlfriend ending the relationship and all contact. Her reaction was … Seemed staged and strange but I pushed the thought away determined to give my marriage another chance.

But something didn’t feel right. Ofcourse because they resumed contact pretty much immediately and I found an email where he backtracked on everything he had written in the original email.

I said I was done. I had had enough. He agreed to move back out. But he hasn’t.

He continues to maintain that he hasn’t contacted her since that last email. But we both recently celebrated our birthday, in the back of his car I find a card….from her to him… Signed ‘your lady.’

Since he won’t leave, I will. But with kids and no funds – I’ve got to come up with a plan.

Whats worse than Dday is knowing that someone who claims to love you can look you dead in the eye and lie over and over again.

whats worse than Dday is knowing that he cares more about himself than any pain he is causing me.

Whats worse than Dday is realising that I gave him all I had and now I’m stuck.

Blog Reincarnation

I had a blog here for about a year and built up a decent following and connected with a few fellow bloggers who shared and understood my story.

Then my husband discovered said blog and was very upset and demanded I take it down. I didn’t. But I did make it private until I decided what to do with it.

I could no longer write from my heart after my husband discovered it. He took everything I wrote and twisted it to use against me. He tends to do that.

So I’m starting anew and hope I will reconnect with some old bloggers from the previous blog and hopefully some new ones.

I also better cover my tracks a bit better this time.