It is done

….I filed for a divorce…..

Anxiety my good ‘ol trusty friend

So, I’ve managed to line up two job interviews this week for some part time work which is great!

Then…..the anxiety sets in and the worry begins. How will I do in the interviews? What hours shall I accept, how much will I have to pay for childcare? Etc etc… It’s never ending. Sigh.

I met up with my friend last week and she thinks I shouldn’t leave the house as she’s worried it will be very difficult for me, renting with 3 kids will be very expensive. I know all this and it would be much much easier if husband leaves – especially for the kids, but I can’t help but dream about starting afresh without husband having such easy access to me. Beside he will help towards the rent as he would like his kids to be comfortable. But maybe I’m being too optimistic, my friend reminded me that people tend to be less cooperative when they’re not getting their way. This is why I need a job so I’m not too reliant on him. I also have a small business I’ve started but need to invest a little bit more money into it before I can start making money! Everything seems like such a catch 22 at the moment.

Cycle of Abuse

Since the beginning of the year, husband could feel I was slipping away. He was having trouble controlling me and my thoughts, and he didn’t like that at all.

Since I agreed to let him move back in last November then discovering he was still in contact with his girlfriend I was done. I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m leaving, but he knows I have no means to do it right now. So when he discovered my previous blog and read the entries, he knew that he had ‘lost’ me; that I was serious; that I was really done.

This began a cycle of him either raging at me, trying to charm, flatter or seduce me or make me feel sorry for him. I discovered this cycle while reading about narcissists but I’m not saying he is one, I just have noticed he uses this pattern.

I  also came across something called ‘cycles of abuse’. It’s strange to consider husband abusive and even stranger to write it but the cycle is definitely toxic.

At the beginning of March, husband as usual wanted to act like everything was ok with us and I was getting fed up with the pretence. He wasn’t getting his way with me and didn’t like that (tension building).

He would then want to talk to me but really he was picking a fight. So even if I remained calm he would continue saying things to push my buttons until I would snap. (Explosion) This particular incident in March he wanted my phone because he thought I was talking to someone who he felt was ‘influencing’ me. I refused, but said I would show him my phone after I had put the kids to bed. Not good enough for him, he wanted it right then. A struggle ensued where he begins pushing me around and pins me to wall by my neck. The kids witness this and are very upset. I tell him to stop and leave. He takes my phone and I take the kids into our bedroom, as I’m walking by he hits me on the side of my head, but it was a very light slap, sort of like a warning shot.

I contact my sister in law via Facebook asking her to get my mother in law to call hoping she can diffuse the situation. She calls me but he answers as he has my phone and plays it all cool as if nothing is happening.

The next day he is apologetic and remorseful and wants to buy the kids some toys to make up for things. I simply nod. (Reconciliation)

I call his mother later that day and tell her that I’m leaving her son that I’ve had enough. She gets on the next train to stay with us for a couple of days. She tries to get us to talk about what is happening, husband doesn’t say very much but I know when she talked to him alone he would have done a lot of blame shifting. I said a little bit but didn’t want to go into too much detail as I knew he would get angry and I would pay for it later when she left. I told her that I knew his girlfriend was still in the picture. He denies this and she says that I should take his word for it. (*eyeroll* yeah take the word of a pathological liar). She asked me if he had apologised to me for the affair I said he had but so what? She seemed satisfied that he had apologised and that was that and then gives us a lecture about marriage being for life no matter what. I’m not sure what I wanted his mum to do but all I know was I felt very disheartened and very hopeless with her visit.

Nevertheless,we entered the final phase of the cycle which is calm. Husband being on his best (fake) behaviour because he wants to show mummy that he is not the bad guy. But the only reason there is calm is because I am co operating. I have realised how much I have to stuff my feelings down, not speak up. Whenever I stand my ground, there is a blowup. I have to compromise, because the atmosphere is nicer for all, especially the kids. But it makes me so angry that he doesn’t have to….unless he wants something from me, then he launches his charm offensive. He tries to act like everything is normal with us, that he is fighting for our marriage. But he isn’t. He is still in contact with his girlfriend!

He was out last night with friends and said he would stay over there as too late to drive back home. He was probably with his girlfriend. I know I shouldn’t care as I’m done anyway, but I do. I care because he lies and he cries and plays like I’m the one giving up on our marriage. He wants to hold me and kiss me and tells me he loves me but it’s all lies. So today I’m mad and I can’t even be around him and don’t even want to talk to him. He has noticed and wants to know what’s wrong. I can feel the tension building…. And the cycle starts all over again.