My broken heart

Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.

But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.

Advertisements

There are worse things in the world right?

I totally get it.

Children are being murdered.

Little boys and girls are being abused

People are starving.

Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.

There are people dying slowly with disease.

People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.

There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.

I totally get it.

But it still fucking hurts

How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?

Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.

Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.

Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.

But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t

still.

fucking.

hurt.

 

A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊

image

I can’t believe he said that#3

So I had a whole different post planned for tonight but I will post that later. Tonight, husband is trying to be sweet to me because he’s hoping to get lucky. When I refuse he tells me that I’m withholding sex as a form of punishment??!! The same way we punish our children by taking things away when they misbehave. I told him that if that’s how he sees the situation then I know for sure he doesn’t get it – AT ALL. Doesn’t get the pain at all, not even a little bit.

Husband, I don’t want to have sex with you because you cheated and lied and are still seeing your girlfriend and are still lying to me. You broke my heart and my trust.  I can’t trust you AT ALL – never again.

Me taking the iPad away from a 5 year old for back talking is TOTALLY NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex because my husband cheated. Not even close.

And when I post an update on the last couple of days, you will see why this comment is even more ridiculous.

Good news!

I got offered a job! Woohoooo!!!!

Very pleased as I hadn’t done an interview in over 10 years and I knocked it out of the park!

Now I’ve got to figure out childcare and find something that won’t take all of my pay check!

will feel a bit strange leaving my youngest in childcare but she’s nearly two so I think she’ll be fine!

Happy days!

Can someone lose empathy or did they never have it?

This is the one question that has baffled me ever since I sensed something was wrong with husband and I and discovered he was having an affair. He just didn’t seem to be particularly moved by the pain that he was causing me. I found this so terribly confusing and hurtful.

You see when husband and I started dating he seemed so empathic. He talked about wanting to start a charity in his mums name, he was made a minister at the church we went to. He would give church members money whom he knew didn’t have very much. When our neighbour lost his dad, husband suggested we give them quite a large amount of money to help towards funeral costs. We also did some shopping for them as they had just had a baby.

But suddenly he changed, he seemed to become very cynical about life and people. He started saying ‘I just don’t give a damn.’ He sure stopped giving a damn about me.

When Dday happened I didn’t understand his behaviour, he seems almost cold. I was 6 months pregnant and devastated and he just went right ahead and carried on his affair. There wasn’t any ‘Uh uh my wife has found out.’ He and his girlfriend just simply carried on as if I didn’t exist.

Even till this day he doesn’t seem to fully grasp what he has done to me. There have been moments of realisation but I can’t help but think those were a bit fake, just words he had read somewhere that sound like the right thing to say. He never really seemed to have a desire to help me through this. I always felt that he believed that if he just gave me a bit of time that I would somehow get over it.

So I wonder if someone can have empathy and then lose it? Or maybe he never had it and it was all pretend?

To the betrayed spouses reading, did your partners ever seem to grasp the pain that they cause?

This question led me to google who led me to the term ‘narcissist’ and as I researched more ‘covert narcissism’.

Even after everything that has happened I still can’t get over the fact that the man I knew at the beginning who was so emphatic somehow lost it – or worse that he never had it and it was all pretend.