So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.
I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!
Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.
Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.
During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.
So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.
Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!
I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.
I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does! Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.
Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊