My broken heart

Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.

But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.

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There are worse things in the world right?

I totally get it.

Children are being murdered.

Little boys and girls are being abused

People are starving.

Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.

There are people dying slowly with disease.

People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.

There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.

I totally get it.

But it still fucking hurts

How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?

Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.

Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.

Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.

But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t

still.

fucking.

hurt.

 

What is there to say…..

I know I shouldn’t ….because whenever I do I always find something….but I did. I went through husbands iPad. He has recently downloaded an ebook called ‘Bang: The pick up bible’. This book is apparently the most infamous pick up book in the world.

What does one do when you have cheated on your wife and she wants to leave you and your actions is ripping your family apart? Work on your pick up game ofcourse!

I mean really…..what else is there to say about this man? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Why?

Not why did my husband have an affair, but why isn’t he able and willing to fix it?

I’m leaving him, in my mind there is no going back. But I still can’t help but wonder this. I read blogs about couples in reconciliation and sometimes the spouse who cheated has been broken open, is sharing, is trying hard. I wonder how I managed to pick the guy who wants the easy road; who wants to get away with breaking my heart and keeping me around; who wants to continue to lie, hide, and deflect blame? Why isn’t my guy the one sobbing on his knees begging for a second chance.

I’ve read so much about narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people and I know these are traits that my husband has and it explains so much. And rationally I know it’s more about him than it is about me.

But sometimes on days like today I just wonder why? Maybe it’s that he isn’t able or maybe it’s that he doesn’t want to, but either way it still hurts, and it still makes me so sad.

A very overdue update!

So, I’ve been trying to carve out a moment to update everyone on what has been going, but seem to keep getting distracted.

I wrote a few drafts that I didn’t end up publishing as I realised how whiny and negative I sounded! If I didn’t want to read it I thought nobody else would!

Anyway, my wedding anniversary was very tough, I totally regressed emotionally to how I was after Dday – we are talking random bouts of crying in the car and hiding tears whilst in the supermarket.

Then my new job was starting so I had to have the conversation with husband – first tell him that I got the job and what that would mean for the whole family. He seemed quite put out at having to watch the kids some evenings, he didn’t seem to want to loose his freedom and flexibility. I guess it would be difficult planning last minute dates with his girlfriend when he’s watching the kids while I’m working! I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to work all the hours my new job required, also because when husband and I stop living together I dont want to have to rely on him for childcare, as I’d like to have minimum contact with him.

During this time husband and I had lots of arguments and I felt that he was trying to punish me somehow for getting a job.

So I started my job feeling quite troubled, but the job itself is fine. I spoke to my manager about my hours and she was so understanding and helpful, so instead of working four days, I’m currently only doing two days a week, which is all I can manage with 3 kids and not having to pay for childcare.

Ironically the company I work for is in the bridal industry and I often have to deal with brides. This can be quite triggering seeing as my marriage went from ‘happily ever after’ to ‘nightmare on elm street’ but I’m sucking it up!

I might have mentioned in a previous post about husband continues to deny still being in contact with his girlfriend, ddespite me finding evidence contrary to this. I find denials and lying so difficult to live with, I spend all day literally trying to work him out and being completely baffled by his behaviour. I know I need to let go of the need to know, the need for a confession and closure, but that is so difficult whilst living together. Today alone he has asked me for sex 6 times! I continue to refuse but I’m being ‘nice’ about it because I don’t want to set him off and have arguements in front of the children. But it is pretty exhausting living like this.

I continue to battle with the decision of leaving the house or husband leaving the house. Financially it doesn’t really make sense but for my mental health it does!  Legally, the advise is that it’s best for me to stay put. Husband has agreed to move out but will do it on his own timetable. If I didn’t have the children, I would be long gone, but Its different when there’s children involved because why should they have to leave the only home they’ve ever known? Husband messed up, he should leave.

Anyway, despite all that, I feel in a much stronger position now that I’m working, even though I’m only working 2 days I don’t have to pay for childcare so I keep everything I make. I’m meeting new people and I’m seeing that smart, funny, interesting woman that I once was re-emerging. She was buried underneath all the brokenness but she’s clawing her way out. 😊

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I can’t believe he said that#3

So I had a whole different post planned for tonight but I will post that later. Tonight, husband is trying to be sweet to me because he’s hoping to get lucky. When I refuse he tells me that I’m withholding sex as a form of punishment??!! The same way we punish our children by taking things away when they misbehave. I told him that if that’s how he sees the situation then I know for sure he doesn’t get it – AT ALL. Doesn’t get the pain at all, not even a little bit.

Husband, I don’t want to have sex with you because you cheated and lied and are still seeing your girlfriend and are still lying to me. You broke my heart and my trust.  I can’t trust you AT ALL – never again.

Me taking the iPad away from a 5 year old for back talking is TOTALLY NOT the same as ‘withholding’ sex because my husband cheated. Not even close.

And when I post an update on the last couple of days, you will see why this comment is even more ridiculous.

My Husband is a Stupid Jerk – the morning after

He was ill people. Yes. Apparently his body felt like he had been hit by a truck, his sinuses were playing up. He couldn’t drive home, all he wanted to do was go home to his mums house where there was a comfortable bed because he doesn’t sleep well (at home he sleeps in either our living room or the home office).

How can I be upset when we he was ill?

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Could his story be true? Ofcourse his stories ‘could’ always be true, except ….well….they usually aren’t. So I wasn’t really I buying it – his mum wasn’t even at home, she was visiting his brother so no verification possible. And quite frankly I’m tired of having to verify.

Anyway, he doesn’t know why this bugs me because I’m leaving and obviously don’t care. ‘No‘ I told him ‘you don’t care, because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you do.’