My broken heart

Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.

But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.

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There are worse things in the world right?

I totally get it.

Children are being murdered.

Little boys and girls are being abused

People are starving.

Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.

There are people dying slowly with disease.

People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.

There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.

I totally get it.

But it still fucking hurts

How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?

Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.

Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.

Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.

But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t

still.

fucking.

hurt.

 

What is there to say…..

I know I shouldn’t ….because whenever I do I always find something….but I did. I went through husbands iPad. He has recently downloaded an ebook called ‘Bang: The pick up bible’. This book is apparently the most infamous pick up book in the world.

What does one do when you have cheated on your wife and she wants to leave you and your actions is ripping your family apart? Work on your pick up game ofcourse!

I mean really…..what else is there to say about this man? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Why?

Not why did my husband have an affair, but why isn’t he able and willing to fix it?

I’m leaving him, in my mind┬áthere is no going back. But I still can’t help but wonder this. I┬áread blogs about couples in reconciliation and sometimes the spouse who cheated has been broken open, is sharing, is trying hard. I wonder how I managed to pick the guy who wants the easy road; who wants to get away with breaking my heart and keeping me around; who wants to continue to lie, hide, and deflect blame? Why isn’t my guy the one sobbing on his knees begging for a second chance.

I’ve read so much about narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people and I know these are traits that my husband has and it explains so much. And rationally I know it’s more about him than it is about me.

But sometimes on days like today I just wonder why? Maybe it’s that he isn’t able or maybe it’s that he doesn’t want to, but either way it still hurts, and it still makes me so sad.

My Husband is a Stupid Jerk – the morning after

He was ill people. Yes. Apparently his body felt like he had been hit by a truck, his sinuses were playing up. He couldn’t drive home, all he wanted to do was go home to his mums house where there was a comfortable bed because he doesn’t sleep well (at home he sleeps in either our living room or the home office).

How can I be upset when we he was ill?

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Could his story be true? Ofcourse his stories ‘could’ always be true, except ….well….they usually aren’t. So I wasn’t really I buying it – his mum wasn’t even at home, she was visiting his brother so no verification possible. And quite frankly I’m tired of having to verify.

Anyway, he doesn’t know why this bugs me because I’m leaving and obviously don’t care. ‘No‘ I told him ‘you don’t care, because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you do.’

My husband is a stupid jerk!

Well we all know this already but there is this one thing he does bugs the hell out of me.

He will sometimes go to a fight gym about 1 hour away from where we live. He will leave home Saturday morning and normally does one or two of their classes, then Lord knows what he does the rest of the day. He says he and friends go out, he get a bite to eat, then he pops in to see his mum. He will then usually text me in the evening and say that he is pretty tired or had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive home so he’ll be back in the morning.

So he calls me around 3pm saying he’s done with classes but just waiting for his friends to finish. He then says they’ll probably go out and it’ll be a late night so he asks me do I prefer he comes home really late or the next day? He does this crap all the time, especially during the height of his affair. He has already decided he’s not coming home, but he’s putting the ball in my court acting like he’s giving me a choice. But they are really none choices because if I say come home tomorrow, he feels better because I’ve given him permission not to come home, and if I say come home, that it doesn’t matter how late, he will text me really late that night and tell me he’s too tired or whatever to drive and seeing as it’s really late he might as well wait until tomorrow to come home. He has already decided he’s not coming home.

So I told him it didn’t matter. He got all defensive and said ‘what do you mean it doesn’t matter? Because you want to leave me anyway?’ I simply say ‘Yes.’

Yes I’m leaving because he continues to pull antics like this! He will mope and pout and tell me how he has done everything in his power to save our marriage and that he doesn’t know what else to do; that he’s tried his best but his best isn’t good enough.

You’re damn skippy his best isn’t good enough! If a man was spending lots of time away from home for no good reason while cheating on his wife, but now really wanted to save his marriage – he better start coming home at night! Don’t ask your wife whether it’s ok that you don’t come home, don’t make her sit at home wondering what you’re really getting up to by being sketchy with information. Don’t get mad and defensive when she’s not ok that you don’t want to come home. But if you insist on doing all these things anyway, don’t get mad that she wants to leave your lying cheating ass and don’t pretend that you tried really really hard ( sob sob) when the only thing you tried really hard at doing was covering your tracks and keeping your stories straight!

Quite frankly he’s lucky I don’t do a Beyonce and take a baseball bat to his Mercedes Benz!