Making moves but what’s with this guilt?

I have been moving forward with plans to make some money in order to move my kids and I out. I have applied for a few jobs and one seems hopeful so fingers crossed. It will be difficult as only one of my children is in school full time, my second is only in pre school and my youngest at home with me. I will have to pay for extra childcare so need to really work out the numbers to make sure I’m making sufficient money.

But for some reason I’m feeling really guilty for making plans behind husbands back. He knows I went to an employment agency so he knows I’m looking for a job and I can tell he feels some type of way about it. Why do I feel guilty, after everything that’s happened?

Its moments like this I consult my bag of evidence. I look through the call logs, restaurant and hotel receipts. I remember the gaslighting, blame shifting denials and outright lies. I remember the pushing, shoving and grabbing. I remember it all and the guilt begins to dissipate. Because I remember that I deserve better.