My broken heart

Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.

But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.

There are worse things in the world right?

I totally get it.

Children are being murdered.

Little boys and girls are being abused

People are starving.

Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.

There are people dying slowly with disease.

People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.

There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.

I totally get it.

But it still fucking hurts

How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?

Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.

Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.

Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.

But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t

still.

fucking.

hurt.

 

What is there to say…..

I know I shouldn’t ….because whenever I do I always find something….but I did. I went through husbands iPad. He has recently downloaded an ebook called ‘Bang: The pick up bible’. This book is apparently the most infamous pick up book in the world.

What does one do when you have cheated on your wife and she wants to leave you and your actions is ripping your family apart? Work on your pick up game ofcourse!

I mean really…..what else is there to say about this man? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Why?

Not why did my husband have an affair, but why isn’t he able and willing to fix it?

I’m leaving him, in my mind┬áthere is no going back. But I still can’t help but wonder this. I┬áread blogs about couples in reconciliation and sometimes the spouse who cheated has been broken open, is sharing, is trying hard. I wonder how I managed to pick the guy who wants the easy road; who wants to get away with breaking my heart and keeping me around; who wants to continue to lie, hide, and deflect blame? Why isn’t my guy the one sobbing on his knees begging for a second chance.

I’ve read so much about narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people and I know these are traits that my husband has and it explains so much. And rationally I know it’s more about him than it is about me.

But sometimes on days like today I just wonder why? Maybe it’s that he isn’t able or maybe it’s that he doesn’t want to, but either way it still hurts, and it still makes me so sad.

My Husband is a Stupid Jerk – the morning after

He was ill people. Yes. Apparently his body felt like he had been hit by a truck, his sinuses were playing up. He couldn’t drive home, all he wanted to do was go home to his mums house where there was a comfortable bed because he doesn’t sleep well (at home he sleeps in either our living room or the home office).

How can I be upset when we he was ill?

image

 

Could his story be true? Ofcourse his stories ‘could’ always be true, except ….well….they usually aren’t. So I wasn’t really I buying it – his mum wasn’t even at home, she was visiting his brother so no verification possible. And quite frankly I’m tired of having to verify.

Anyway, he doesn’t know why this bugs me because I’m leaving and obviously don’t care. ‘No‘ I told him ‘you don’t care, because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you do.’

I can’t believe he did that#2

Husband could feel I was slipping away. He didn’t like not knowing what was going on in my head so he did what any self respecting cheater with narcissistic controlling tendencies would do:

‘Husband hacks into my emails and changes the settings so he will also receive every single email that I receive.’

I noticed that my emails weren’t downloading onto my phone anymore, it kept asking me to verify my password – ofcourse because he’d changed the password in order to get it.

I figured out he had got into my email and changed all my passwords but for some reason the notification that said that he was now getting all my emails went into the junk folder so I didn’t discover he was getting all my emails until a few days later!