My broken heart

Sometimes I get a pain in my chest and it radiates to my throat. It’s usually either my anxiety or a bit of acid reflux.

But sometimes it hurts so much that I think it might consume me that I think it’s neither my anxiety or reflux, but my heart reminding me that it’s still not yet mended.

Advertisements

There are worse things in the world right?

I totally get it.

Children are being murdered.

Little boys and girls are being abused

People are starving.

Men and women have no jobs and no means to feed their families.

There are people dying slowly with disease.

People are being shot because of a bias towards the colour of their skin.

There are far worse things than being cheated on by your husband.

I totally get it.

But it still fucking hurts

How do you make a promise to someone, lie down with them, share everything with then, whilst also leading a double life elsewhere?

Apparently he loves me and I’ll never understand how much.

Hmmm Is this love? Really? Surely not.

Ofcourse, I know there are far worse things happening in the world, in my own own town, probably right next door.

But even after 2 years (and a few months) I can’t pretend that this doesn’t

still.

fucking.

hurt.

 

What is there to say…..

I know I shouldn’t ….because whenever I do I always find something….but I did. I went through husbands iPad. He has recently downloaded an ebook called ‘Bang: The pick up bible’. This book is apparently the most infamous pick up book in the world.

What does one do when you have cheated on your wife and she wants to leave you and your actions is ripping your family apart? Work on your pick up game ofcourse!

I mean really…..what else is there to say about this man? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

My husband is a stupid jerk!

Well we all know this already but there is this one thing he does bugs the hell out of me.

He will sometimes go to a fight gym about 1 hour away from where we live. He will leave home Saturday morning and normally does one or two of their classes, then Lord knows what he does the rest of the day. He says he and friends go out, he get a bite to eat, then he pops in to see his mum. He will then usually text me in the evening and say that he is pretty tired or had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive home so he’ll be back in the morning.

So he calls me around 3pm saying he’s done with classes but just waiting for his friends to finish. He then says they’ll probably go out and it’ll be a late night so he asks me do I prefer he comes home really late or the next day? He does this crap all the time, especially during the height of his affair. He has already decided he’s not coming home, but he’s putting the ball in my court acting like he’s giving me a choice. But they are really none choices because if I say come home tomorrow, he feels better because I’ve given him permission not to come home, and if I say come home, that it doesn’t matter how late, he will text me really late that night and tell me he’s too tired or whatever to drive and seeing as it’s really late he might as well wait until tomorrow to come home. He has already decided he’s not coming home.

So I told him it didn’t matter. He got all defensive and said ‘what do you mean it doesn’t matter? Because you want to leave me anyway?’ I simply say ‘Yes.’

Yes I’m leaving because he continues to pull antics like this! He will mope and pout and tell me how he has done everything in his power to save our marriage and that he doesn’t know what else to do; that he’s tried his best but his best isn’t good enough.

You’re damn skippy his best isn’t good enough! If a man was spending lots of time away from home for no good reason while cheating on his wife, but now really wanted to save his marriage – he better start coming home at night! Don’t ask your wife whether it’s ok that you don’t come home, don’t make her sit at home wondering what you’re really getting up to by being sketchy with information. Don’t get mad and defensive when she’s not ok that you don’t want to come home. But if you insist on doing all these things anyway, don’t get mad that she wants to leave your lying cheating ass and don’t pretend that you tried really really hard ( sob sob) when the only thing you tried really hard at doing was covering your tracks and keeping your stories straight!

Quite frankly he’s lucky I don’t do a Beyonce and take a baseball bat to his Mercedes Benz!

Anxiety my good ‘ol trusty friend

So, I’ve managed to line up two job interviews this week for some part time work which is great!

Then…..the anxiety sets in and the worry begins. How will I do in the interviews? What hours shall I accept, how much will I have to pay for childcare? Etc etc… It’s never ending. Sigh.

I met up with my friend last week and she thinks I shouldn’t leave the house as she’s worried it will be very difficult for me, renting with 3 kids will be very expensive. I know all this and it would be much much easier if husband leaves – especially for the kids, but I can’t help but dream about starting afresh without husband having such easy access to me. Beside he will help towards the rent as he would like his kids to be comfortable. But maybe I’m being too optimistic, my friend reminded me that people tend to be less cooperative when they’re not getting their way. This is why I need a job so I’m not too reliant on him. I also have a small business I’ve started but need to invest a little bit more money into it before I can start making money! Everything seems like such a catch 22 at the moment.

The ‘I can’t believe he said or did that ‘ files. #1

Sometimes out of nowhere I’ll have a memory about something husband has done or said that is totally dumb, insensitive, cruel or out of order. Then the anger inside me builds and quite frankly I can’t actually believe that I haven’t caused him grevious bodily harm or poisoned his food by now.

So I thought it far more constructive to put it into a post, so here goes.

#1

When we were in false reconciliation and in middle of being intimate, husband broached the topic of having a threesome. I went along thinking it was just dirty talk until I realised he was serious. Then he said he had someone in mind…..yes you guessed it. The BLOODY WOMAN HE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH!

Yes.

He actually went there.

image